Hotel Mario Commentary
by jackattack555
Summary: A look at the cutscenes from the game Hotel Mario. Lots of mocking, parodizing, etc...
1. Intro

**As you might have read on the front, this is an overview of the cutscenes from the game Hotel Mario. This will be done in a style similar to Mystery Science Theater 3000, mocking many things about this game's plot. Note: You might want to look at these cutscenes ahead of time on Youtube to fully understand some of the comments that I make in this (in particular my comments about the bad animation and bad voicing).**

* * *

Jack put the Hotel Mario game into the CD-i console. As Jack pressed it on, Jill grabbed a controller and looked at the TV. Jack sat down next to her and they started going through Hotel Mario. The game first displayed the Philips logo in stunning animation, showing anyone how to do the astounding task of putting a CD in.

As both of them were awe by this, Jack muttered "Out of all of the scenes in this game, this one probably had the most budget put into it."

The game then showed a scene of Mario and Luigi heading through an archway labeled "Mushroom Kingdom". Jill asked "What? A Mario game…in the Mushroom Kingdom? That's so hard to imagine!"

As Mario and Luigi walked through the archway, the game showed Bowser above the arch. As Mario and Luigi passed below, the green turtle-thing bellowed out a deep laugh that sounded like the voiceover from Mortal Kombat.

Jack immediately did a mock version of this laugh, followed by "How could such a laugh come out of such a ridiculous-looking creature?"

Meanwhile, Jill shouted "IT'S A TRAP!" to Mario and Luigi. Kudos to anyone who got the Star Wars reference.

As the brothers crossed a bridge, Mario said "Nice of the princess to invite us over for a picnic, eh Luigi?"

Jill said "The voicing in that line was terrible! Did Mario just call Luigi gay?"

Jack commented "By 'a picnic', Mario clearly means 'a threesome'."

Lugi then turned to Mario and said "I hope she made lotsa spaghetti!"

Jack's jaw dropped as he said "Concerning my last comment, I don't even want to know what Luigi meant by 'spaghetti'!"

Meanwhile, Jill just laughed and said "Ah, you silly Italian stereotypes! Besides, who the hell makes spaghetti for a picnic?"

Mari then pointed in a random direction and shouted "Luigi! Look!"

The plumber then walked up to a sign that had a badly spelled version of "Klub Koopa Resort" on it. Mario grabbed a piece of paper attached to the sign, saying "It's from Bowser!"

Jack and Jill both immediately shouted "BOW-SAH!" to mock Mario's pronunciation of that word.

Jill then commented "Great. Let's reinforce the Italian stereotypes even more by giving them a Brooklyn accent!"

Jack rolled his eyes and said "Also, look the great animation they did in the background of this scene. The makers of this game were obviously so articulate in making that sign!"

Mario looked at the letter, saying "Dear pesky plumbers: the Koopalings and I have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom! The princess is now a permanent guest at one of my 7 Koopa Hotels. I dare ya to find her if ya can!"

Jack muttered "By 'permanent guest', Bower clearly means 'whore'."

Jill said "Look at the awesome usage of recycled animation in this scene!"

Mario turned to Luigi and said "We gotta find the princess!"

Luigi then turned to the camera and said "And YOU gotta help us!"

Jack and Jill both shouted "ME?!" at the same time.

Mario then said "If you need instructions on how to get through the Koopa hotels, check out the enclosed instruction book!"

Jack acted bewildered, saying "What? You mean an instruction book has…instructions?! That's crazy!"

After that crappy opening scene was done, the game finally started.

* * *

**There's my take on the opening scene for you. Next chapter: We shall explore weak branches, wall-walking, and the function of toasters. Yes…the next chapter is going to include the infamous toaster scene!**


	2. Levels 1 and 2

**Oh no…now I have the Hotel Mario theme stuck in my head! AUGH!**

* * *

Mario and Luigi walked up to a tree for their first level. Mario said "Looks kinda peaceful."

Luigi replied "Looks are deceiving when Koopas are involved!" With this message of caution, they decided to do the intelligent thing…by impulsively charging into there.

Mario climbed on Luigi's back and jumped off it to reach a higher height. This action caused the two players to cringe, and Jill shouted "Poor Luigi! How does he survive holding all of that weight?"

After beating the first level, there came a scene where one of the Koopalings jumped out of that tree. As Mario and Luigi jumped out of the tree in pursuit, they looked up. On the tree they saw a bunch of apples instantly grow from nothing to full size.

Jack commented "Great. We've only beaten the first level and the game already has events that make absolutely no sense!"

Jill said "Mario and Luigi aren't even going to address this weird event! Are we really putting in THAT many growth hormones into plants?"

Mario shouted "Hey! Princess!" while the camera showed Peach standing on a branch.

As Peach waved to the brothers, the branch broke under her. She fell shouting "Oh!"

Jack did a mock impression of Peach's voice, saying "Oh! It's so obvious that I'm voiced by a guy in this!"

Jill asked "Also, who's stupid enough to go out on a branch that far?"

Peach landed in the Koopaling's arms, and that future boss ran off to the next hotel. Jack asked "Didn't that Koopaling already run away from the tree a couple of scenes earlier? How the hell did it get back here to catch Peach? Did it just learn how to teleport or something?"

Teleportation or not, the Koopaling ran with Peach towards the second hotel. This building was constantly flashing lights due to power shortages within it. Jack stated "I wonder what electrical utility could use up that much power…Oh! Someone must be playing an Xbox 360 in there!"

As it reached the wall of the hotel, the Koopaling suddenly _walked up the wall_ while still carrying Peach. Jill said "The Wachowski Brothers called. They want their special effects back for the Matrix."

Jack was busy singing "Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can…"

Luigi turned to Mario and shrugged, saying "How are we gonna find the princess with the powah goin' out?" Neither of them seemed to care about the fact that this enemy could _walk up walls_.

Mario replied "Maybe there's a switch in one of the rooms. Remind me to check.", turning to the camera as he said the last statement.

Jack and Jill both had dull expressions on their faces as they muttered back "No."

Inside the second level, Mario eventually made it to the aforementioned room. He walked into a room filled with toasters, all plugged in to the same outlet. He then said "Aha! Here's the problem…too many toasters!"

Jack asked "Why would the Koopas need that many toasters? Why would ANYONE need that many toasters?"

Mario then held up a loaf of bread labeled "Bowser's Sourpuss Bread" as he muttered the immortal phrase "You know what they say: All toasters…toast toast."

Jill responded "Wow…the statement of our generation!"

Jack said "I don't even know where to begin on teasing this scene."

Jill replied "How about the fact that toasters should toast bread, not toast?"

Jack said "Well, you could technically toast toast with a toaster…it just would be a lot more burnt and wouldn't taste as good in standards of toast. So why toast toast?"

Jill then said "Yeah, why should Mario bother toasting anything? Why doesn't he just unplug the toasters right now and move on?"

Jack answered "Don't you see? Toasting toast is obviously far more important for Mario than trying to rescue his country's royalty or saving his homeland from Bowser's wrath!"

Jill then said "Let's also comment on the type of bread."

"Why would Mario have a loaf of bread made by Bowser's minions? It would be understandable if the bread loaf was found in the hotel, but I don't recall any bread loafs showing up at any point in the hotel. He just randomly pulled it out of his pocket!"

"Also, just look at that logo. 'Bowser's Sourpuss Bread'. That really sounds like a type of bread people would like to buy. Genius marketing by Bowser!"

"Indeed. Also, look at the animation of Bowser's face on that logo. That looks like the drawing quality of a five-year-old!"

"Let's get back to the statement. Why did Mario do a dramatic pause between the words 'toasters' and 'toast'? Was it supposed to be a shocking revelation that toasters can toast toast?"

"Well, I was certainly shocked by that revelation!"

"Finally, what exactly did Mario mean by 'they'?"

Jack turned to Jill and said "Don't you see, Jill? Mario is sending out hidden messages to secret societies! Those that knew the secrets about toasting toast, which spread on to the Freemasons and went into the lineage of monarchs…"

Several minutes later, Jack was wearing a tinfoil hat. He concluded his speech by saying "…And so JFK was killed by aliens who faked the moon landing for their Galactic Overlord Xenu!"

Jill scooted away from Jack and said "Moving on…"

The next scene in the game showed Mario unplugging the toasters, followed by many slices of toast being shot up into the air. This restored all of the power to the hotel's lights.

Jill concluded "How could the toast shoot up when the toasters were unplugged, and therefore without a power source? And what was the point of making all of that toast? I can't imagine Mario eating that much…" However, this would never be explained.

* * *

**One pointless lesson on electricity later, what bullcrap shall the game come up with next?**


End file.
